That’s not a knife…THAT’S a knife!

August 24th, 2009

Played some Beethoven for actor Paul Hogan.  He said “That’s not a sonata, THATS a sonata!” and played a song so beautiful I wept for days.

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Showed actor Paul Hogan a chicken. He said “Thats not a chicken, THATS a chicken” It was just a turkey, but he was going through a divorce
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Told actor Paul Hogan I had a plan to turn my life around. He said “Thats not a life plan, THATS a life plan.” And Ive been sober 2 years.
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Showed actor Paul Hogan the film Crocodile Dundee. He says “Thats not a movie THATS a movie” then pulled out Crocodile Dundee II
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Gave actor Paul Hogan a gift certificate to Sam Goody.  He said “Thats not a gift certificate, THATS a gift certificate,” and gave me an old newspaper.
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Baked some cookies for actor Paul Hogan.  He said “Thats not a snickerdoodle, THATS a snickerdoodle,” and gave me a really good snickerdoodle.
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Pulled a knife on actor Paul Hogan.  He said “Thats not a knife, THATS a knife,” and pulled out an electric vibrator.  The entire crew burst out laughing.  God, that set was SO much fun.
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I showed actor Paul Hogan a crocodile.  He said “That’s not a crocodile.  THATS is a crocodile.”  He showed me a creature that resembled a crocodile with a broader snount and teeth that were not visible when it’s mouth was closed, which is an alligator.  His whole image is bullshit.
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Told actor Paul Hogan about my abusive father.  He said “Thats not an abusive father, THATS an abusive father,” and showed a scar on his arm where he says his dad put out a cigarette.  We then watched the Breakfast Club and he got sort of jittery near the end and asked me to turn it off.
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Let actor Paul Hogan flip through my rolodex.  He said “Thats not a rolodex, THATS a rolodex,” and gave me his rolodex full of business cards for asian massage parlors.
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Showed actor Paul Hogan what it was like to grow up black in the 1950s.  He said “Thats not what it’s like to grow up black in the 1950s, and you can never really understand it, either.”
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Talked to actor Paul Hogan about the Treasury Department’s plans to stabilize the economy.  He said “Thats not an economic policy, THATS an economic policy” and pulled a half dollar out of my ear.

 

Showed actor Paul Hogan a chicken. He said “Thats not a chicken, THATS a chicken” It was just a turkey, but he was going through a divorce

 

Told actor Paul Hogan I had a plan to turn my life around. He said “Thats not a life plan, THATS a life plan.” And Ive been sober 2 years.

 

Showed actor Paul Hogan the film Crocodile Dundee. He says “Thats not a movie THATS a movie” then pulled out Crocodile Dundee II

 

Gave actor Paul Hogan a gift certificate to Sam Goody.  He said “Thats not a gift certificate, THATS a gift certificate,” and gave me an old newspaper.

 

Baked some cookies for actor Paul Hogan.  He said “Thats not a snickerdoodle, THATS a snickerdoodle,” and gave me a really good snickerdoodle.

 

Pulled a knife on actor Paul Hogan.  He said “Thats not a knife, THATS a knife,” and pulled out an electric vibrator.  The entire crew burst out laughing.  God, that set was SO much fun.

 

I showed actor Paul Hogan a crocodile.  He said “That’s not a crocodile.  THATS is a crocodile.”  He showed me a creature that resembled a crocodile with a broader snount and teeth that were not visible when it’s mouth was closed, which is an alligator.  His whole image is bullshit.

 

Told actor Paul Hogan about my abusive father.  He said “Thats not an abusive father, THATS an abusive father,” and showed a scar on his arm where he says his dad put out a cigarette.  We then watched the Breakfast Club and he got sort of jittery near the end and asked me to turn it off.

 

Let actor Paul Hogan flip through my rolodex.  He said “Thats not a rolodex, THATS a rolodex,” and gave me his rolodex full of business cards for asian massage parlors.

 

Showed actor Paul Hogan what it was like to grow up black in the 1950s.  He said “Thats not what it’s like to grow up black in the 1950s, and you can never really understand it, either.”

 

Played some Beethoven for actor Paul Hogan.  He said “That’s not a sonata, THATS a sonata!” and played a song so beautiful I wept for days.

 

Talked to actor Paul Hogan about the Treasury Department’s plans to stabilize the economy.  He said “Thats not an economic policy, THATS an economic policy” and pulled a half dollar out of my ear.

Update!
Blessings from actor Chuck Norris:

I, Chuck Norris, gave Paul Hogan a monogramed pocket watch to celebrate his becoming a US citizen. He turns to me and says “That’s not a present to commemorate my US citizenship, THATS a present for such an event…” And he gave himself a previously unread letter from his father expressing the latter’s hopes and dreams for his son.

It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

Chuck Norris out

 

 

 

 

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